Calcified and Fortified

I’m not going to review my 2016, I don’t feel like I have anything new to learn from it or take with me, it’s the same lessons from 2015 that I continue to work on.

My default is usually enduring optimism which clashes terribly with my depression and lately, these two have come to a stalemate – like molten lava meeting an ice trough, a grey mound of hardened ash now sits where all of that passion used to be.

I have not been successful in love, facing rejection numerous times (tv doesnt teach women how to deal with that but we’ll talk about that in another probably controversial post). After the last one where the conversation simply faded into the ether and the lunch date never materialised, the calcification began and by New Year’s Eve, for the first time ever I didnt care that for the umpteenth year in a row I had no one to kiss. I was done feeling it was me, and to be fair it is, i’m gravitating to the wrong people for me and expecting that to work, I’m placing too much of my self esteem in the hands of someone else – if they like me I am worthwhile.

However I in myself am not terrible, hitler had a wife and marilyn manson had several, I have not attempted genocide of a race other that that of millipedes and I have taken not a single human life nor have i harmed anyone – not even emotionally as i was the one to be teased and have my heart broken. In fact, I have spent my life erring on the side of caution and trying to make everyone happy, living a life of service as that’s when i feel I have earned my place on this earth and my oxygen quota (it is an entirely new thing for me to be deserving of life and breath just because. Thanks fluoxetine! but not the one by health 2000, drown yourselves and stop manufacturing that bullshit excuse for a pill and flunil – you can take a long walk off a short cliff).

Anyways, with this new free life, for once i am not leasing it and paying for it, comes the knowledge that I am deserving of the love I want and I dont have to settle, even if that means I remain a spinster for the rest of my life. This thought has made me cry often, red eyes in the dark of night, praying in desperate sobs for someone to love me, my heart physically hurting so badly in my chest that it was hard to breathe.

I used to be like a vendor on the street with my heart in my tray, offering it to passers-by “love for you sir?”, “can i interest you in a relationship?”. Or i was like a used car salesman “hey she’s got a few miles on her but she’ll work real hard for ya sir. Yep, this baby cooks, has 2 degrees and cleans up real nice in a dress and can be yours for the low low price of some half-asssed attention and a text msg every once in a while. no labels necessary!” I’m done now and it’s very freeing.

And I myself was skeptical, I figured the minute i met an eligible guy i would drop all of this and go back to begging for attention like a dog for a treat but I didnt. I went to a lime last night (i live in the Caribbean, a lime is a social gathering were people eat, drink, and talk. it differs from a party in that it is a much more casual atmosphere, you dont need to dress up and the main focus is camraderie rather than dancing.) So I went to this lime and there was a guy there, decent looking, quiet but fun … before, i would have been ON, turned up to all! Telling the funniest jokes, finding ways to read my personal resume (oh that time i was in paris or yeah i baked that double layer chocolate chip cake with butterscotch filling and chocolate fudge topping – doesnt that make you want to hire me as your girlfriend?) But I didnt. I felt myself start to at one point, it was a fleeting moment then i just couldnt be bothered. Why? because I wasnt that invested.

That’s another awesome and interesting new thing, I can pass on things. Before i might not have been interested in a job or a guy but i felt that I had no choice but to take what was available – i mean who else would want me to work with or date them? Now, I can CHOOSE! It’s mind-blowing. I did not have to want him simply because he was available and the only man in the vicinity. Which suddenly makes me have to think seriously about what and who I want. I spent so much time thinking about what i had to be, to be wanted, now I’m suddenly sitting here with a blank slate.

Yes, somewhere in that calcification process, something in me got stronger. I have changed. I hope it lasts, it has been an lovely experience. But my island is out of my medication and i have roughly 12 days of meds left. We’ll see how I can sustain his progress and navigate the new feelings and realisations. Join me for the journey?

Feel free to tell me about your calcification and fortification process. Or you can give me your best “used car salesman” ad for yourself in the comments lol.

Excuses Excuses

We’ve all made them to cover up the truth.

I say “I’m tired” but I really mean “I couldnt sleep because these awful thoughts about myself kept hounding me.” or “I dont have the energy to do more than the basics of existence today.”

“I don’t feel well.” but I really mean that I don’t feel mentally well and I dont have the energy to socialise or work.

I text sorry I cant talk right now and feign meetings to avoid interactions and channel them into a less immediate media like email.

People think I get sick a lot, and while my immune system could use a boost, I welcome colds because then i can stay home and be left alone.

I made excuses the last few weeks when i flat out stopped taking all of my medication. I said to myself, I’m really not that bad without it, though my closest friend argues I am not but i solve that problem by not telling her when i go off them anymore.

I said to myself, these new ones dont do anything so it doesnt matter if you take them or not.

Best one yet – let’s experiment and see how you do off all the meds. I take hormones as well to combat my poly-cystic ovarian syndrome and those can make you depressed. So i said to myself that I am fine, the hormones make me sad and if i dont take those then i dont need to take the other stuff. This was supported by a suggestion from my psychiatrist. She needed to get a baseline of how I was and that involved going off the hormones to see what i was like naturally and how they affected me so she could effectively treat me. No where did she say I was not bi-polar nor that the medication was to blame for my mental issues. But like faux news sites i manipulated the facts in my head to support my theory.

I was fine- or at least i think I was. Then I wasnt – I began to wonder if i should exist, i began to hate myself in the worst way again, i began to wake up and not want to get out of bed again. I began to be snappy at my family again. I blamed it on my period and they accepted it. I knew better and promised myself I would take the medications again.

It was a rock restart, remembering to take them, forcing myself to take them, arguing with myself about their perceived value. These are arguably not as good as the previous from Health 2000, which are no where near as good as the one from Wockhardt. But I need to be on something to survive the days, for my family who loves me and who i need to be better to.

I’m still only at 60% wellness and I feel close to tears to think of all the ground I lost when they stopped bringing in that brand. I ache for happier days, for surmountable challenges, for waking up and wanting to get out of bed. I get angry about how the pharmacy played with my life and didnt think twice – probably because of money or something. I hate the companies that make products that they claim are generically the same but personal trials have proven to me that they are not and i feel lied to and a victim of a corporate machine.

But today, I’m adjusting to the new stuff and I made less excuses. And tomorrow I hope to make even less.

Happy to be Tired

I’m tired. Properly tired, not exhausted but wide eyed like I have been for the past few weeks but tired. Enough to go to bed without my phone, to turn off all the lights and sleep soundly, hopefully.

I’ve been unable to get my regular medication and I have been given a different brand. I didnt take it at first, for a silly reason – it was a completely different colour. Stark white as compared to my usual multicoloured pills and it seemed impotent, like a placebo. I avoided it until I couldnt anymore, until getting out of bed became the chore it once was, until i was avoiding people and avoiding work and nothing made me happy, not tv, not video games, not outings with friends, not my pets, not my family, nothing.

One day I plastered a smile on my face to go in to work at 1pm when i should have been in way earlier, to do a task that was due days ago with nothing in my stomach and the idea of making myself a cup of tea loomed too mammoth and i realised i really needed to get back on my medication. The night before i stayed up until 3 or 4am, unable to sleep, watching netflix shows i cant remember and feeling numb and sad. I realised i didnt want to stay in that place, which is a place i used to consider home.

So I took the first pill. then another the next day. then another the day after that, and they didnt work. and i wrote the doc asking if i should take a higher dose and she said i could trial it for 2 weeks until i feel better. Apparently im reacting as if the medication was new. which i find funny because the first time on my multicoloured pills was wonderful, like an elevator out of the grave, i had no side effects and i immediately felt better. But I guess I am more sensitised now and it takes longer or more to give me a reaction. or maybe they really are placebos….

but they are starting to work. I still didnt want to see anyone and turned down social interaction this weekend, but i watched a show and enjoyed it and i played video games and did well and enjoyed them and the numbness is thawing and now i am tired. when i felt the need to sleep i almost cried, i was happy, wanting to go to bed made me emotional. because i’m getting better. the only problem with getting better though – is realising that maybe a shower wasnt such a huge chore after all… lol.

–signed,
sleepy, dirty and more mentally healthy than yesterday

Validium

Validation feels so good! It’s a drug to me, a quick high and escape when people like my stuff or agree with me on facebook. On the surface it looks self-serving and narcissistic but if you only knew… it feels good because it validates my very existence. I’m not so stupid after all. I have not, for this moment at least, wasted the oxygen i dare to breathe lest i take it from someone else. For a moment i am useful. As I medicate more (psychiatrist prescribed), I feel more cautiously worthy. People’s opinions determine less of what i see in the mental mirror and oxygen feels more and more like a birthright than something stolen to power this sack of failure I embody. Validation is still nice but now, unnecessary. I’m kicking the habit.