Mania – I see you now

My problem with my bipolar is that i get depressed – i cant function with my depression. I don’t take on my responsibilities, I don’t make good decisions – that is when i do make any decisions at all and social interaction is painful because i can’t stop overthinking. I never saw a problem with my mania before. I get excited but doesn’t everyone? The cons of mania have never been visible to me. Until these last 3 weeks. I got into a loud shouting match with my supervisor 3 weeks ago and then last week i yelled at a client. That was Friday. I felt like i was unravelling. I feel compelled to defend myself – in both instances, they were situations that had been brewing. With my supervisor, he is a toxic individual who is obsessed with disrespect and thus find it everywhere that he looks, interacting with him is miserable and i constantly walk on egg shells and i had had enough and wanted him to discuss his issues in the open instead of banging things around in his office and making passive-aggressive comments at us. With the client, i felt myself getting annoyed and since she wasnt actually there to see me but was waiting by my desk, i repeatedly asked her to let me concentrate on what i was doing and please engage me on that topic late, she persisted until i sort of went mad. I really should have gone to the bathroom or something to get away from her but also why should I have had to do so? Why can’t people understand that someone cannot engage you right now? Let people breathe!

Anyways, I’ve been taking my medication but since Friday I’ve been wondering if I ought to go back to my doctor, maybe she might want to tweak the meds?

Then Saturday, I went to get refills cause i ran out that very day and they didnt have my usual APO brand of Fluoxetine. But they did have the CRAZY EXPENSIVE, like over $100 expensive brand name Prozac. This is the largest chain distributor, only one other pharmacy would possibly have it and they were 30 mins away, I could call but the way I felt, i know i wasnt driving over there. So I tried to be responsible and ensure an uninterrupted flow of my medication and i bit the bullet and bought the prozac. I was due to take it today. I finally took it around 7pm. I put it off so much, i’m scared that i will need to adjust and it wont go well. which is an argument for taking it sooner but still i put it off. I feel ok but I am dreading work tomorrow. my supervisor went on vacation for 2 glorious weeks. and for those 2 weeks there was no tension in the office, i could work in peace without fearing that i was upsetting him constantly. I got quite a bit done. Tonight I’m on edge because there is a task that i had put aside to deal with some other more priority ones but needed to get done before he came back and of course I forgot about it.

I cant deal. I am trying to get in early tomorrow to do it before he comes in. Some is better than none right? but I am so not a morning person. I’m also trying to do some reading for an assignment that i due tomorrow night and i havent started. I slept a lot this weekend because my period is coming and i’m sad and tired. Today i found myself thinking i didnt want to exist anymore. I wondered if i could quit work and just stay home. I wondered if i would ever be happy. and i wondered if i could live with thinking like this for the rest of my life. Because as much medication as i take, the worthless feeling never completely goes away.

Right Now I’m just trying to make it through tomorrow.



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