My best friends are pregnant and married and I am happy for them thinking up 5 year anniversary gifts and reading up on baby care. But ever so often, someone on my timeline who isnt that close a friend posts a pic of them and their happy marriage, glowing pregnancy or cherubic baby and my lip curls as a visceral envious dislike oozes out of me like pus from a wound. I ask myself why that person got chosen to have those things and not me. Then my personal depressive narrative jumps on stage and reads a list of my sins and faults and i go “oh, that’s why.” and I get sad because it wont happen for me. But sad in a nostalgic kind of way – like longing for something that doesnt exist anymore – like the Black Amethyst fragrance that Victoria’s Secret discontinued (you sons of b****s why did you take my true love from me????)
I’m mostly happy and filling my time with work and looking at becoming an entrepreneur next year and being on the board of a charity and other stuff. Plenty for my mania and depression to use and work with – mania be like: ENTREPRENEURSHIP – AWESOME, you’ll chart a new course and build a legacy for yourself! depression be like: bitch who do you think you are? you are stupid and you never finish anything and you’ll be poor and the business will obviously fail. But ever so often I’m watching a show and the character finds someone who makes sarcastic jokes with them and really gets them and i have a moment where i wish I had it. Where I wish for butterflies when someone calls or texts me and a date on valentines day. I wish I had the option for kids, i dont know if i want to use it but I’d like to have it. The lump in my throat grows and then it fades when i remind myself that this is not my story. I am here for a different purpose. Romantic endeavours have never worked out for me but I have built a great reputation for working hard, making things happen and being kind to everyone – especially hurting people. So I feel God is pushing me in that direction, everyone doesnt get the fairytale but everyone gets a story. <— DO NOT STEAL THAT. it’s my favorite thing I’ve ever come up with. But if you want to put it in a great movie please contact me and credit me, thanks!
So anyways, even in my different story it hurts a bit to see the things I want but cannot have like a loving fulfilling relationship with a romantic partner so I have unfollowed some people. I dont need to be scrolling through Trump posts and memes and come across you lovingly staring into your highschool sweetheart’s eyes while my cat avoids me because I changed my hairstyle (true story). Sometimes I need to take care of me and skipping your happy moments that lead to my sad ones, is just that – self-care. I’d never tell anyone to not be happy and post their pics, when i went on my eurotrip i posted pics – im sorry if you cant go but neither of us should stop being happy because the other has something we want and cant have for whatever reason. But we might need a minutes away to feel our feelings, breathe through the very real pain and come back when we can write “OMG CONGRATS!!!!” and mean it.