Can’t today…

It’s 10:24am and I am still in my pajamas. Today is just one of those days where I cant face the thought of going into the office. I would have claimed a sick day but I have a rehearsal I really want to go to this evening so I have to go in, I said I had a personal matter to deal with and I would be in after lunch. Days like this, the idea of sitting at my cold desk under those fluorescent lights and doing my job is hard. I can’t handle the idea of getting myself up and showered and dressed and going in. I am trying to make breakfast and it’s taking a while… and it’s just toast.

But I don’t hate myself. I am not yelling at myself for the things I haven’t done and for not being able today. Medication doesnt make bipolar depression better, it just makes the depressive episodes manageable when they sneak up like a thief in the night. So I will make my toast and tea and watch Lemony Snickett’s Series of Unfortunate Events on Netflix and hopefully by the end of the episode, my medication will kick in and give me the boost I need to actually shower and fend off the darkness that is descending.

Sometimes I don’t think I will make it. I don’t eat very well and by that I mean my eating habits are atrocious. I skip meals often, it just takes too much energy to make food or when there is food available – i usually dont want to eat it. If I didnt live with my parents I would have perished a long time ago. Which is my fear about moving out – if I move out and I have to feed myself during a depressive spell, i could become seriously ill. My mother watches my eating habits, she nags me to eat whens he notices I haven’t eaten for a while. She tries to get me up in the morning if I’m late, she helps a lot. It sucks to be 30 and still needing that kind of support but it would also suck to be 30 in a dirty apartment, with no food, lying on the bed, ignoring bills and calls and possibly losing your job. Don’t ignore or resent your support network. You need it. Desperately so.

I will move out eventually, I’m only about a year or so into a good medication regime that works and is effective. So pushing myself to get to the level that i feel other people are at is just silly, I could destroy all the progress I have made and I wont do that just to fit in. I never have fit in anyways so why start now.

I’m going to retoast the bread that is surely cold and make a cup of tea and hope my energy lasts throughout those tasks.

I hope you are having a better day but if you aren’t, I’m with you in the storm. You wont want to do it, but take your meds and eat. That’s all you need to do today. Take your meds and eat, everything else will work itself out.

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