Calcified and Fortified

I’m not going to review my 2016, I don’t feel like I have anything new to learn from it or take with me, it’s the same lessons from 2015 that I continue to work on.

My default is usually enduring optimism which clashes terribly with my depression and lately, these two have come to a stalemate – like molten lava meeting an ice trough, a grey mound of hardened ash now sits where all of that passion used to be.

I have not been successful in love, facing rejection numerous times (tv doesnt teach women how to deal with that but we’ll talk about that in another probably controversial post). After the last one where the conversation simply faded into the ether and the lunch date never materialised, the calcification began and by New Year’s Eve, for the first time ever I didnt care that for the umpteenth year in a row I had no one to kiss. I was done feeling it was me, and to be fair it is, i’m gravitating to the wrong people for me and expecting that to work, I’m placing too much of my self esteem in the hands of someone else – if they like me I am worthwhile.

However I in myself am not terrible, hitler had a wife and marilyn manson had several, I have not attempted genocide of a race other that that of millipedes and I have taken not a single human life nor have i harmed anyone – not even emotionally as i was the one to be teased and have my heart broken. In fact, I have spent my life erring on the side of caution and trying to make everyone happy, living a life of service as that’s when i feel I have earned my place on this earth and my oxygen quota (it is an entirely new thing for me to be deserving of life and breath just because. Thanks fluoxetine! but not the one by health 2000, drown yourselves and stop manufacturing that bullshit excuse for a pill and flunil – you can take a long walk off a short cliff).

Anyways, with this new free life, for once i am not leasing it and paying for it, comes the knowledge that I am deserving of the love I want and I dont have to settle, even if that means I remain a spinster for the rest of my life. This thought has made me cry often, red eyes in the dark of night, praying in desperate sobs for someone to love me, my heart physically hurting so badly in my chest that it was hard to breathe.

I used to be like a vendor on the street with my heart in my tray, offering it to passers-by “love for you sir?”, “can i interest you in a relationship?”. Or i was like a used car salesman “hey she’s got a few miles on her but she’ll work real hard for ya sir. Yep, this baby cooks, has 2 degrees and cleans up real nice in a dress and can be yours for the low low price of some half-asssed attention and a text msg every once in a while. no labels necessary!” I’m done now and it’s very freeing.

And I myself was skeptical, I figured the minute i met an eligible guy i would drop all of this and go back to begging for attention like a dog for a treat but I didnt. I went to a lime last night (i live in the Caribbean, a lime is a social gathering were people eat, drink, and talk. it differs from a party in that it is a much more casual atmosphere, you dont need to dress up and the main focus is camraderie rather than dancing.) So I went to this lime and there was a guy there, decent looking, quiet but fun … before, i would have been ON, turned up to all! Telling the funniest jokes, finding ways to read my personal resume (oh that time i was in paris or yeah i baked that double layer chocolate chip cake with butterscotch filling and chocolate fudge topping – doesnt that make you want to hire me as your girlfriend?) But I didnt. I felt myself start to at one point, it was a fleeting moment then i just couldnt be bothered. Why? because I wasnt that invested.

That’s another awesome and interesting new thing, I can pass on things. Before i might not have been interested in a job or a guy but i felt that I had no choice but to take what was available – i mean who else would want me to work with or date them? Now, I can CHOOSE! It’s mind-blowing. I did not have to want him simply because he was available and the only man in the vicinity. Which suddenly makes me have to think seriously about what and who I want. I spent so much time thinking about what i had to be, to be wanted, now I’m suddenly sitting here with a blank slate.

Yes, somewhere in that calcification process, something in me got stronger. I have changed. I hope it lasts, it has been an lovely experience. But my island is out of my medication and i have roughly 12 days of meds left. We’ll see how I can sustain his progress and navigate the new feelings and realisations. Join me for the journey?

Feel free to tell me about your calcification and fortification process. Or you can give me your best “used car salesman” ad for yourself in the comments lol.