Excuses Excuses

We’ve all made them to cover up the truth.

I say “I’m tired” but I really mean “I couldnt sleep because these awful thoughts about myself kept hounding me.” or “I dont have the energy to do more than the basics of existence today.”

“I don’t feel well.” but I really mean that I don’t feel mentally well and I dont have the energy to socialise or work.

I text sorry I cant talk right now and feign meetings to avoid interactions and channel them into a less immediate media like email.

People think I get sick a lot, and while my immune system could use a boost, I welcome colds because then i can stay home and be left alone.

I made excuses the last few weeks when i flat out stopped taking all of my medication. I said to myself, I’m really not that bad without it, though my closest friend argues I am not but i solve that problem by not telling her when i go off them anymore.

I said to myself, these new ones dont do anything so it doesnt matter if you take them or not.

Best one yet – let’s experiment and see how you do off all the meds. I take hormones as well to combat my poly-cystic ovarian syndrome and those can make you depressed. So i said to myself that I am fine, the hormones make me sad and if i dont take those then i dont need to take the other stuff. This was supported by a suggestion from my psychiatrist. She needed to get a baseline of how I was and that involved going off the hormones to see what i was like naturally and how they affected me so she could effectively treat me. No where did she say I was not bi-polar nor that the medication was to blame for my mental issues. But like faux news sites i manipulated the facts in my head to support my theory.

I was fine- or at least i think I was. Then I wasnt – I began to wonder if i should exist, i began to hate myself in the worst way again, i began to wake up and not want to get out of bed again. I began to be snappy at my family again. I blamed it on my period and they accepted it. I knew better and promised myself I would take the medications again.

It was a rock restart, remembering to take them, forcing myself to take them, arguing with myself about their perceived value. These are arguably not as good as the previous from Health 2000, which are no where near as good as the one from Wockhardt. But I need to be on something to survive the days, for my family who loves me and who i need to be better to.

I’m still only at 60% wellness and I feel close to tears to think of all the ground I lost when they stopped bringing in that brand. I ache for happier days, for surmountable challenges, for waking up and wanting to get out of bed. I get angry about how the pharmacy played with my life and didnt think twice – probably because of money or something. I hate the companies that make products that they claim are generically the same but personal trials have proven to me that they are not and i feel lied to and a victim of a corporate machine.

But today, I’m adjusting to the new stuff and I made less excuses. And tomorrow I hope to make even less.

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