Happy to be Tired

I’m tired. Properly tired, not exhausted but wide eyed like I have been for the past few weeks but tired. Enough to go to bed without my phone, to turn off all the lights and sleep soundly, hopefully.

I’ve been unable to get my regular medication and I have been given a different brand. I didnt take it at first, for a silly reason – it was a completely different colour. Stark white as compared to my usual multicoloured pills and it seemed impotent, like a placebo. I avoided it until I couldnt anymore, until getting out of bed became the chore it once was, until i was avoiding people and avoiding work and nothing made me happy, not tv, not video games, not outings with friends, not my pets, not my family, nothing.

One day I plastered a smile on my face to go in to work at 1pm when i should have been in way earlier, to do a task that was due days ago with nothing in my stomach and the idea of making myself a cup of tea loomed too mammoth and i realised i really needed to get back on my medication. The night before i stayed up until 3 or 4am, unable to sleep, watching netflix shows i cant remember and feeling numb and sad. I realised i didnt want to stay in that place, which is a place i used to consider home.

So I took the first pill. then another the next day. then another the day after that, and they didnt work. and i wrote the doc asking if i should take a higher dose and she said i could trial it for 2 weeks until i feel better. Apparently im reacting as if the medication was new. which i find funny because the first time on my multicoloured pills was wonderful, like an elevator out of the grave, i had no side effects and i immediately felt better. But I guess I am more sensitised now and it takes longer or more to give me a reaction. or maybe they really are placebos….

but they are starting to work. I still didnt want to see anyone and turned down social interaction this weekend, but i watched a show and enjoyed it and i played video games and did well and enjoyed them and the numbness is thawing and now i am tired. when i felt the need to sleep i almost cried, i was happy, wanting to go to bed made me emotional. because i’m getting better. the only problem with getting better though – is realising that maybe a shower wasnt such a huge chore after all… lol.

sleepy, dirty and more mentally healthy than yesterday


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