I am mad at my friend. He is mean. Mean and cranky when he is sleepy. Today he said i would be a bridezilla, which i took offence to – have you seen that show?!, and refused to tell me why. Then the other day he said that I’m not tough. Go ahead and judge me, it’s a free world for some of us, but hear me and my anxiety out.
He says these things in an off-handed way but he means what he says and he stands by it when questioned. These things conflict with how I see myself and it turns my world upside down, it turns my greens purple and the sun rises in the west. Who am I really? is and has always been a big question for me, for most people to be fair. But I have stumbled around not knowing and not liking what i did think i knew for so long and now im starting to get a foothold you come like Scar and fling me the fuck off the precipice? I was Mufasa, I was climbing that hill!
Look I know I’m not the toughest, I am not about to star in “Girl Fight”, I weigh less than 100 lbs! (Family genes, I’m actually pretty healthy, I’m also 5′ 3.5″ , yes the .5 is important to me). Anyways I’m not that tough but I dont feel helpless and it seems that’s how he views me. I brought up the fact that I did a whole year and a half of Mixed Martial Arts, I got hit, kicked, punched, and never TKOed once! He discounts that, because it was about 3-4 years ago but even at the time he didn’t think it made me tough. I do not like to be thought of as helpless, it confirms a feeling i have been actively fighting for my entire life. Because of my size i constantly live in fear of being beaten up so I am extra nice to people because I know it would be easy to hurt me badly. I went to MMA to take back some control after a guy threatened to beat me up at a fete because neither me nor my friends wanted to talk to him. That was a prime example of why I live in fear, he chose me, the smallest one to get angry at and threaten. Going to MMA was empowering, i felt less afraid of people and i didnt have to be so extremely nice all the time because I wasnt going to get my teeth kicked in if I disagreed. Let me pause here to vehemently state this was NOT how I was raised at home, my parents and family are VERY loving but, from primary school I was the tiniest kid and learned early that if the bigger kids wanted the toys I would be shoved away. Then, I do not have luck with guys, there is no prince coming to save me, there is no hero in the movie willing to take a bullet for me. I am not Rose in the Titanic with a Jack risking it all to keep me alive, I am alone and I have to keep myself alive. I am it. So to say that I am not tough, upsets me. I’m all I have and if I cant save me and protect me, I feel I’m lost.
As for the Bridezilla thing, I doubt I’m going to ever be a bride. (30, not dating, tons of rejections to my name, 1 boyfriend ever which was horribly tumultuous because we werent right for each other… that spells spinster.) So anyways I might never even be a bride but if i were i would be so awful I would be a bridezilla. That plays right into “is that why no one wants me?”. I have to wonder, am i secretly a horrible person and everyone just says that im nice to my face and hates me behind my back?
Do people only speak the truth when they are mean?
Are these somethings he has thought about me and he is finally telling me what he really thinks in doses?
I don’t know.
He was being like this before, years ago and i sat down and asked him why, if he thought all these terrible things about me, why did he keep talking to me? did he even like me? because i didnt think he did. He was sorry about how he had made me feel at the time and he apologised. Now I’m taken back to that conversation. So maybe mean isnt the word? I’m sensitive and not tough at all when it comes to him and other close friends. I show my soft underbelly. I’m generally nice but I never want people to know how I really feel. I laugh a lot because for so many years i wanted to die and i didnt want anyone to know. So to let people in and then feel like they get there and go “ew”, is not great.
I want to be better and i want to welcome and be open to constructive criticism. And I want to know me so I know if they are right or not. I used to pray every night “Lord please help me not to be a bad person.” because I really do feel like a bad person very often. Nowadays I pray a more positive version “Lord help me to be a better person.”
But “not tough” and “bridezilla” are not the features of someone I want to be and I’m here like…what if there are more? What if there’s a whole me I dont know and I really am terrible? What if I actually am everything I think I’m not? What if I am who I hate and am too blind to see? I feel the cloud of depression settling. What if the dark thoughts that haunt me are true?